Understanding Emotional Development in people with Intellectual Disability: A practical guide for parents and carers

Parents and carers of people with intellectual disability often say the same thing:

“I know they don’t mean to behave this way—but I don’t always understand what they need.”

This is where the emotional development approach can make a real difference. Instead of seeing behaviour as “challenging” or “difficult,” this approach helps us understand behaviour as communication, shaped by a person’s emotional stage of development.

Why emotional development matters

When we think about development, we usually focus on:

Biological age (how old the person is)
Cognitive ability (learning, language, problem-solving)

What is often overlooked is emotional development—how a person understands and regulates feelings, and engages in relationships.

For many people with intellectual disability:

Emotional development may be delayed
Emotional skills may be uneven
Emotional needs may be closer to those of a younger child, even in adulthood

This does not mean the person is “childish.” It means their emotional brain needs support that matches where they are developmentally.

When emotional needs are unmet, people may show distress through:

Aggression or self-injury
Withdrawal or passivity
Anxiety, clinginess, or constant reassurance-seeking
Difficulties with change or frustration

Understanding emotional development helps us to respond with support instead of punishment, and connection instead of control.

Reframing “challenging behaviour”

From an emotional development perspective, behaviour is often a sign that:

The person is overwhelmed
Expectations are too high for their emotional stage
A basic emotional need is unmet

Instead of asking:

“How do we reduce this behaviour?”

You can ask:

“What is this behaviour telling us about the person’s emotional needs right now?”

This shift can reduce stress for both carers and the person with disability.

The emotional development approach – in simple terms

The emotional development approach is based on the idea that people with intellectual disability go through the same emotional stages as everyone else—but sometimes more slowly, or incompletely.

These stages are linked to how emotional skills develop and are often described using reference ages as a guide.

Each stage is associated with:

Core emotional needs
Typical ways of communicating distress
Specific ways in which carers may offer support

When support matches emotional development, people often feel:

Safer
More understood
Less overwhelmed
Better able to cope

Key emotional development stages and how to support them

Below is an overview of emotional stages and practical strategies that parents and carers can use.

1. Early emotional development (around 0–6 months)

Main need: Safety and regulation

People at this stage may:

Be very sensitive to noise, touch, hunger, or discomfort
Struggle to wait
Self-soothe through repetitive movement
Show distress through physical actions

How to help:

Keep routines predictable and calm
Reduce sensory overload (noise, crowds, demands)
Offer comfort before introducing demands
Use soothing strategies: gentle touch (if welcomed), weighted blankets, soft music, sensory objects
Respond quickly to signs of distress

Key message:
The person needs you to help regulate their body and level of physiological arousal.

2. Emotional development around 7–18 months

Main need: Security and trust

People may:

Be anxious when separated from familiar carers
Seek constant reassurance
Struggle with unfamiliar people or places

How to help:

Be emotionally available and consistent
Prepare for changes using photos, objects, or simple explanations
Allow comfort items (‘transitional objects’)
Avoid sudden transitions when possible

Key message:
Feeling safe comes before learning or developing independence.

3. Emotional development around 2–3 years

Main need: Autonomy

This stage often looks like:

Strong will or “defiance”
Wanting control but lacking coping skills
Significant emotional reactions to limit setting

How to help:

Give choices which you as the parent or caregiver remain in charge of.
Keep rules simple and consistent
Offer specific praise for effort
Separate the person from the behaviour: accept the person, whilst also providing warm but firm limits.

Key message:
The person is learning who they are—and needs safe ways to feel independent.

4. Emotional development around 4–7 years

Main need: Identity and belonging

People may:

Have an increasing interest in peers
Copy others and seek approval
Be sensitive to criticism
Struggle with shame or self-esteem

How to help:

Focus on strengths and use encouragement more than correction
Support the person to explore different group settings e.g. sports; music.
Help name emotions (“That looked really frustrating”)
Discuss social fears (e.g. not being accepted by peers)

5. Later emotional development (school age and adolescence)

Main needs: Logical thinking; Understanding one's own abilities in relation to others

At this stage, people may:

Differentiate their self image further
Compare themselves to others
Seek recognition and status
Develop their understanding of social rules

How to help:

Involve the person in decisions where possible
Support independence and self-confidence
Offer support from a distance (e.g. via a mobile phone), but remain emotionally available when conflicts arise
Be a positive role model

A final thought

Supporting emotional development is not about treating adults like children. It is about: